THE 2013 GRAMMY AWARDS: Hashtags and Gladrags

From the opening number, it became 
clear exactly why I
gave up on watching
the Grammys ages ago. But albeit an inane and mundane affair, there was a blogworthy moment or two. 


________________________________________________________
 

 

TAYLOR SWIFT:
Coming soon to a circus tent near you!

Ah yes, it was the music industry's annual  main event. But just how much actual  live music was performed at last night's all-star hoo-ha? Hmm, I'd wager a guess and say, not much.

Reigning pop princess Taylor Swift  kicked off the evening's festivities with an over-the-top and clearly canned  Vegas-style performance.  And just as the big girls roll, Swift's ensemble also included  an obligatory tear-away item — ooh, SO shocking!

For the second year in a row, LL Cool J proved to be  a  rather  engaging  host. However, his over-emphasis of social networking and references to hashtags, texting  and Tweeting seemed about as natural as Elton John offering tips on picking up chicks.

While I believe that the program  was intended to be a celebration of musical expression, it also clearly was about personal transformation. Adele now has transformed into Margaret Thatcher. Melissa Etheridge has morphed into Hillary Clinton and Ellen DeGeneres literally has become Steve Martin.

 

 

 

 

Five things that

I learned from

watching the 2013

Grammy Awards ceremony...

 

 

 

                  Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher

                 made a surprise 2013 Grammy guest appearance.

 

1) There apparently are only about a handful of  non-rap, non-synthetic-pop groups left in existence, and they ALL look like Great Depression survivors from the 1930s  who also are all seemingly in dire need of baths, shaves and rack toms.

 

2) Frank Ocean ain't really "all that" after all.

 

3) Justin Timberlake's new record is gonna suck.

4) Prince is STILL hot!

5) After watching her pre-show interview and finally pinpointing that certain peculiar look in her eye (as well as based on her myriad of sketchy life choices and porno-like video content) I've now concluded that Rihanna is demon-possessed. She's stunning, to be sure —  but demon-possessed nonetheless.   

 

 

Katy Perry brought her two greatest assets to the Grammys:

her razor-sharp wit and her impeccable musical talent.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Aside from the typical popular categories presented during the telecast, there actually were some cool categories that didn't make it to prime time — including a category for "Best Hard Rock / Metal performance." And the nominees are... Anthrax, Marilyn Manson, Halestorm, Iron Maiden, Lamb of God and Megadeth. And the winner is... Halestorm! WHAT? Oy vey.

GRAMMY HIGHLIGHTS:

Rihanna - Although most of her product amounts to  little more than pornographic nonsense, Rihanna's Grammy performance of "Stay" was simply amazing — demonstrating that she may possess more talent than many may have assumed.

AWE, THE BROWNS:
(I think that these kids are gonna make it!)

Jack White - Thank goodness there was at least one bona fide rock star performance! However, I personally preferred  White's eerie-sounding, acoustic-based segment with The Peacocks to the zany, electrified segment with The Buzzards.
 

Maroon 5 with Alicia Keys - An unlikely, yet successful, high-energy pop-combo. The mighty awesomeness of Keys fortunately gave some edge to the now emasculated M5.

NO Bieber.

NO Britney.

NO Nicki.

 

Jack White gave one of the few 2013 Grammy

performances that warranted my attention.

 

GRAMMY MISSTEPS:

Kelly Clarkson - It behooves an artist attending the Grammys to be at least somewhat prepared and not too terribly buzzed — 'cuz, well, you just never know.

Miranda Lambert  with Dierks Bentley  - A train wreck duet. (Does he always sound, uh, like that?)

fun. - Absolutely unlistenable. But at least they won the "Best New Artist" award, which according to Grammy tradition means we won't be enduring much more "fun."

Justin Timberlake - Stick to the acting thing, kid. You're bigger (and better) than this now.

J. Lo - Was Jennifer Lopez' tablecloth "dress" meant to be a joke?

CARRIE UNDERWOOD:
Uh,  I'm sure that this made sense on paper!

Carrie Underwood - The performance by the classiest and arguably most talented artist of the night was compromised by distracting images illuminating across her huge silver dress. But truly to maximize this gimmick in the future, I suggest selling ad space to Go Daddy or Budweiser.

LL Cool J show-ending performance - His hip hop cred was lost years ago. But like Timberlake, he's bigger (and better) than that now. Move forward, big guy!

So there ya go — just a few random thoughts regarding THE three longest hours of my life. And I have a feeling that on Grammy night next year, I'm already obligated to do, uh — you know, a thing, at that place.

-Christopher Long
(February 2013)

Author Christopher Long's latest book,

C'MON! - My Story of Rock, Ruin and Revelation

is available NOW on Amazon.